10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
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My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
That’s easy for you to say
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁