[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
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Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Truth
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it