Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
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Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.