My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off


I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.


Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:


Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.


Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.


*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*


Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.


i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys