Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
You Might Also Like
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!