My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.