My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.


You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.


I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.


Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.


Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.


Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.


She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.


I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.


I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!