HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”