#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.