Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
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Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work