I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.