walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.