I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.