I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
monday
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Shower sex be like:
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?