I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.