More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The funk soul brother
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs