me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Realize this:
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My background check bounced.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.