5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
No. He’s not coming out to play
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
wait.