The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You Might Also Like
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.