@Playing_Dad

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

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@DanMentos

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

@OTPeleg

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

@KalvinMacleod

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

@imence2

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

@envydatropic

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

@TheToddWilliams

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

@ShaeAaron

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

@ristolable

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”