Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I feel seen.
one last job
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.