if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
shampoo implies shampee
I can’t stop watching this.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat