WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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Star Wars Episode 7? What鈥檚 next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca鈥檚 fur.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
鈽猴笍
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn鈥檛 share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
馃ぃ
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn鈥檛 stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It鈥檚 a mystery, really.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try