Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The Backseat Boys
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Incredible customer service.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.