What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
You Might Also Like
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly