Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!