My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
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I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs