I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A bold strategy
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks