Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point