Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
When you’re Kinky but poor
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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