Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
You Might Also Like
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
some things should go without saying
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.