How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year