INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My dog learned how to text
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.