The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
dam girl
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”