Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes