Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
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[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.