The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.