them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Oh, I bet you would be
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
and now we wait
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Ghost costume 😂
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Beauty and the Beast
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.