Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.