Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
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Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno