The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.