Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.