Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
accurate
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
When ur friends with white people
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Catering service
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Van Gone