Catering service
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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.