Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.