Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.