*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you鈥檝e ever wondered about the joys of parenting
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I鈥檓 so sorry
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
secret recipe
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
This guy鈥檚 not having it 馃槅
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.