Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
incredible text to wake up to
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature