Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
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*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Well, that didn’t work.
Just a bush.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.