Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

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Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”


Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”


The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.


What do we want?
When do we want them?


The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.


Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy


Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality


Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then