@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

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@trevso_electric

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

@AndyAsAdjective

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

@AnOrangeSNES

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

@FormerHumorist

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@timdonakowski

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

@iSmokeJoints

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

@OkieGirl405

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

@panmidwest

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then