[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden: