My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
That de-escalated quickly
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Usage Guidelines
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)