My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
You Might Also Like
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.