@Tobi_Is_Fab

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

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@_itspat_

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@permawedgie

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

@clichedout

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@megerati

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

@causticbob

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

@daemonic3

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

@NicCageMatch

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

@dave_cactus

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

@Voiceofgarth

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.