i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.


When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.


Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do


The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.


A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”



So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”


Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.


I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.


I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.