Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
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Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart