i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.


Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.


I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️


“I’M A DOG!”
– dogs


Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?


Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?


If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart