@Tobi_Is_Fab

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

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@bransonreese

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

@BradBroaddus

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

@SaltyMacTavish

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

@sween

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

@djdarrellripley

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

@SCbchbum

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

@OfficeofSteve

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart