“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
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JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted