*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
You Might Also Like
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Print is alive and well!!!
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
All set.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.