Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.