My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
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Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
ouch
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting