[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill